Ladies, have you ever just cried for no reason? Or, maybe you cried for a lot of reasons, but it came up out of the blue? Has anyone else been here?
I firmly believe that a sign of good emotional health is the ability to cry regularly. This may be just because I cry at least once a month, if not more. If I go close to an entire month without crying, that 30th day rolls around and it's another day at the water park for me. Kleenex should be grateful to have such a reliable, clockwork-type customer every month.
Seriously, I cry like a total sissy.
I mean, as women, we have a lot going on at once. We have a basket for a brain. Everything is intertwined and woven around each strand twice and back again. Men, on the other hand, have compartmentalized filing systems for brains, generally. If a woman smells chocolate chip cookies one day, she might remember her mother baking them years ago and burst into tears. If a man smells chocolate chip cookies one day, he might take one as an impulse snack and one for the road. He would have to go to his "mom" filing cabinet to conjure up tears in remembrance of his mother. He would also have to file back his cookie file first. Whereas, a woman can associate anything to anything and just fall to pieces.
At least that's just how I feel. Sometimes I just feel too much. It's quite okay, actually. I've come to terms with this fact and coin it as my own internal mantra.
So, OK. I know what you're thinking.
"So what? She cries. Everyone does."
Yep. You've nailed it. But, tonight, I've experienced something familiar but all-together brand new at the same time. I don't know exactly how to describe it, or how to react.
Let me try this again.
There was a friend of mine once---a friend I no longer talk to---who, to this day, was the most selfish person I had ever known personally. DEEE-vah! But, at the same time, she acted as though she were Mother Theresa reincarnate. She'd leave moldy food in our shared bedroom for weeks, go days without showering or leaving her bed for class, and even camp-out on the common area's sofa for a month at a time. She would actually yell if we were talking in the common area!
Yes, I realize there are many friends of the past like this.
Also, yes, I am somewhat of a neat-freak. But, if my space was organized and the room as a whole was hygienic at least, I didn't say a word.
Continuing...
One night, I was studying in bed after midnight and the other roommates had gone to their own room on the other side of the suite. Out of nowhere, she just threw everything she had in her hands to the floor in a huge THUD and walked over to my bed. Her body trembling, and her face was reddening by the second.
Every bad word in the book. No exceptions. She yelled about my inconsideration, selfishness, overall integrity as a person. I mean, she was really hammering below the belt here. I couldn't believe it. I was blown away, but at the same time, so serene.
Long story short, I was calm, cool and collected. I did not cry. I did not raise my voice. I did not even respond to any of her accusations in my defense.
Nope. I just stayed in my bed with my philosophy text book in my lap.
I knew exactly where I stood in the relationship. I knew exactly how I felt. I knew how others viewed the situation. And I knew that I was completely in control of my reaction.
Today is different.
Now, I don't have an irate roommate projecting her inadequacies on my own behavior. I don't even have anyone telling me anything bad. Today was actually a very nice day. But, at the same time, I can't help but be overwhelmed by a feeling of:
"Oh shit, what am I doing here?"
I feel as though I have no control over how I feel today. I like to be in control. I like to be completely a-OK with everything, with a solid handshake and a wink. I like to just roll gritty things off my shoulders and "Suck it up, kid." And, today I can't find that in my power. I can't bring that to the surface. I can't be a superhero at the end of the day.
I am being such a sissy tonight.
Yes, I cried. I don't know if it's been 30 days, but it sure was needed and totally unrelated to my craving for chocolate chip cookies.
So, I am feeling pretty stupid. Who's been here? I'd love some thoughts.
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